Knock Knock

Knock knock

Knock knock

I hear the sound of your knuckles cracking against the door

I look out the window of my tiny little home

I see you standing there wondering where I am

I walk slowly to the door

I take a deep breath wondering what I should do

My hand moves over the cracks and splinters that fill the door

The warn out wood given way to my gentle touch

A splinter pricks my finger staining the door ever more

My hand reaches for the first lock on the door

My pulse begins to jump through my body

From my lungs to my legs to my stomach to my heart

The thought of it happening again fills my mind

Not knowing how much more this door could take

Not knowing how fragile my tiny house is

Not knowing if the walls around me can hold it up much more

Not knowing if I should let you in like the others

Despite the past telling me so

And hope for a better future pushing me forward

I move my hand to the lock

Click, click, click go the locks

The door squeaks open

The sound echoing through my ears

I see you standing there smiling at me

I put on the best smile I can possibly fake

And I let you inside

Once inside you take a good look around

You see the stains on the floor

The mess on the furniture

The bleakness on the walls

And despite all of that

Your smile still remains

Your laugh fills the halls

Your presence lightens the place up

I begin to wonder how this all happened

An unexpected surprise

That turns my fake smile

Into a beaming and bright one

You fill the space like no one has before

Your presence changes the demeanor

Changes the way the walls look

And the way the floor shines

You look around and you see all the luggage sitting around

All the baggage that’s been packed

That clutters the space

And you continue to smile

Before I know it

The luggage seems to disappear a little

The baggage seems less heavy

Less daunting

All of the sudden

Something new appears in the house

A small red button

That reads “Start over” shows itself

I walk over to it

Not knowing what to do

Never seeing it before

As you walk over with me

You place your hand on the button and ask for mine

Without even hesitating I give you my hand

And together our hands clasp over the button

And push

In an instant the house I’ve lived in for so long is gone

No more stains

No more splinters

No more cracks

Instead I see an open field

Feel the warm sun shunning on my face

The wet grass beneath my feet

And taste the fresh air in my lungs

I pick up a shovel and place it in the ground

It’s time to build a new home

One I can be proud of

And maybe you along with all the others who’ve knocked before

Can help build a better home

For a better me

 

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A choice

A choice

I find myself standing in a room

No doors

No windows

No way out

The only thing in the room is a small circular table

With a small box resting in the middle

When I open the box I find a gun inside

And a note with my name on it

I read the note

The first line reading

“You have a choice”

I open the gun to find only a single bullet inside

Now I hear footsteps coming from all edges of the room

Several people walk up to the table

Standing on all sides of it

I look at them all only to be looking in mirrors

For all I see is myself

“Each one represents yourself”

The notes reads on

“One represents the joy in hold in your heart”

“One represents the fear, the anger, pain, sorrow, sadness, hope, and more”

I look around at each me standing around the table

Not able to tell which one is which

“All are apart of you, all are with you, but you must choose”

“For one is a demon inside you causing your distress”

“You cannot leave until you make a choice”

“Which one will you shoot”

“Which one will you choice not to exist”

“All you have to do is make a choice”

I stood there with the gun in my hand

Staring in the eyes of all of me around myself

Watching them stare right back at me

Waiting for me to make a choice

The gun felt cold and hot in my hand

My hand shook as the gun felt heavier and heavier

I looked down and felt the blood the gun had spilt cover my hand

And drip onto the floor

The floor now covered in bullet shells

Too many to count

Each printed with a word in blood

In my own blood

As I looked down at the floor

I could see more and more bullets fill the space around me

Each coming out of me

Forcing itself out so I felt every inch

I was covered in blood as I continued to stare down at the gun

Staring at all the other mes around me riddled with bullet holes just like me

For each one of them is apart of

And then I realized I’ve seen this room before

I’ve been here before

I had only just forgotten

But here I stand once again

Ready to shoot myself

Ready to place another bullet in me

Ready to allow another one to pierce me

That’s why it didn’t matter which one I shot

Which one died

Because they had all died before

Many times

That’s how I thought it had to be done

To separate myself from myself

To take a bullet one by one

To ease the overall blow

But that’s not how this works

That’s not how I feel anymore

I’m tired of being shot

I’m tired of being covered in my own blood

I’m tired of allowing myself to be shot at

I’m tired of allowing myself to be shot out of the gun

This time things are going to be different

I’m going to get through it

And if I have to fire the gun in order to get out of this hell

Then so be it

I steady my hand

More steady then it’s ever been

I take great aim

And pour every once of hope and courage I have left

And I pull the trigger

The only light in the room

The light I thought was my remaining hope

Was shot out

Into a million different pieces

And there become nothing but darkness

But at least I was separated from myself anymore

I was myself again

I was whole

9 years

9 years

They say life can change in an instant

Or it can change through a series of events

Sometimes unknown to us

And unknown just how big the impact will be

I don’t know what it’s actually like to be in combat

For I was never a real soldier

And I would never even begin to imagen

What combat is really like

But I imagen that it’s something close to what I went through

For nine long years

Without even knowing it or realizing what was happening

Or who it truly impacted my for the rest of my life

This is my story

I spent nine years going through the motions

Trying to discover who I really was

I’m not sure when it really started

Or really ended

But I know when the worst of it happened

Having words shot at me like bullets from a gun

Damaging every inch of my body

Beating me down

Until there was nothing left

Feeling weak and helpless

Pathetic and naïve

Worthless and angry

Sad and in pain

Being told everyday that nothing I did really mattered

That no matter what I did there will always be someone better

Not being able to achieve my full potential

Because there was always someone there to knock it down

Being ridiculed everyday for who I was or who I wasn’t

Having people play with my emotions and my morals

Like they were chew toys to a dog

Looking for support at ever angle and at every corner

Seeing friends walk on by giving their hands only to take them back at the last second

Being told that the only reason I was around

Was to be the punch of every joke

To make everyone else feel better about themselves

To give them someone to hate

I would hear them say everyday

“You’re so easy to hate, that’s why we love you”

Love so frivolous a concept

Not knowing what it really means

Not knowing if I’ve ever actually felt it before in my life

Not knowing what it looks like or smells like or even tastes like

As bullets keep coming and coming knocking me down

I’m too naïve to realize it’s all “friendly” fire

Coming at me in all directions

I bury my head in the sand

Not knowing what to do

I try to stand up for myself

I try to fight back

But everytime I tried

Everytime I stood

I got shot right back down

Told I was the bully

Told I was the one with the gun

Told I was the outcast

I cried myself to sleep just about every night for nine years

The ones I looked at as friends were the ones firing the shots

But I was too naïve at the time to realize it

The ones I looked to for guidance and support

Pretended it wasn’t happening

Told me to focus on my grades

Focus on something else

Become a better person

How can I become a better person

 When I’m told everyday I’m not one

I was foolish enough once to not believe the words

To not believe that the reason I felt the way I did

Was because of the bullets I picked out of my bleeding and chard skin everyday

I can’t say when I finally gave in

Maybe that’s when the hundred foot wall around me shot up out of the ground

Surrounding me in darkness

Not able to see the sky or the sun

Not even the stars could shine bright within the walls

I was surrounded by my own wall

Cowering in the corner

All alone

Wondering how I got here

Finally I did the only thing I could do

I picked up my wall brick by brick

And I ran

I ran as fast as I could and as far away as I could

Leaving everything else behind

Wondering if they would even notice

It’s been six years since that happened

Six years trying to put back together the broken pieces of myself laying on the ground

Six years trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be

And after six long years

I still don’t have a clue

All the pieces look the same

Yet each one is a different shape

Unable to be put back together again

And each time I find two the connect

The memory of those nine years sends another bullet at me

Shatter the two pieces into hundreds more

Everyday I wonder what I did wrong

Everyday I wonder what I could have done differently

Everyday I wonder what else could have been said

Everyday I wonder whether or not I’m alive or not

Everyday I wonder if the bullets really did kill me

And not I’m just a shadow in the sun

Passing by as everyone else lives their lives

It’s taken me six long years to put a name to the abuse

To put a name to the bullets

To all the verbal and emotional abuse

To all the broken pieces

And to all the broken memories

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Something that never even occurred to

Something I never thought I could have

But now that I have a name to it

I finally feel like I can start to put the pieces back tighter again

But the thoughts are still there

The memories ingrained deep within me

Are there too many pieces to fix

Am I too broken to be fixed

How do I even start to stick the pieces back together

When the bullets from the past keep coming back

How am I able to trust myself again

How am I able to trust those around me

How am I to trust that I can actually love

Not just myself but other people

When the very word was stripped from me

How am I able to walk on with nine years of burden

With nine years of baggage weighing me down

Nine years of war

Nine years of constant battles

Nine years of watching allies fall

Wondering if one of the bullets

I’m still pulling out

Will be the one that finishes it

It’s been six long years

I know I’m on the right path to putting it all back together

Or at least I have faith that I am

I know the path is long

With no end in sight

The path going back and forth

Covered with demons and monsters to fight

And I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through it all

But no matter how long it is

No matter how hard the path is

No matter how many bullets come flying

No matter how many times I have to pick myself up

I’ve decided with every part of me

That I’m not going without a fight

Mirror

Mirror

I stand there

Staring straight at you

As you scream to the world

As you scream out

To those that cannot hear you

I see something begin to form between us

Brick by brick

A wall begins to form around you

Guarding you

Protecting you

For the dangers all around you

The wall becomes complete

I find myself running full force into it

Banging my hands as hard as I can

Only to be knocked down by the force of the wall

Again, I stand and try and try again to knock the wall down

The wall becomes thicker and thicker

Completely surrounding you

Pushing me away

Pushing me back towards the edge

I scream out for you

Knowing you can’t hear me

I use my hands as wrecking balls

I use my feet as cranes

But nothing seems to work

The wall you’ve placed around yourself cannot be broken

It pushes me closer and closer to the edge

I look down and see nothing but bleak

And that’s when I fall

I fall to the ground crying my eyes out

I can’t get through to you

And you don’t want to get through to me

I’m an inch away from the edge

Thinking about falling

Thinking about dying

Thinking about how I got here

Thinking about why the wall is there to begin with

I wonder if it’s my fault

If I made you put the wall up

If I made you hide away

If I made you scared

I’m scared right now

Terrified about what’s about to happen

Scared that every passing memory of you is fading before me

As the bleakness begins to surround me

Just when the wall can’t push me any more

I grab ahold of it

And with all my strength

I hold on tight

And don’t let go

Slowly the wall begins to retreat a little

Placing me back on the floor

It stops but only for a moment

For holding on wasn’t good enough

But what else could I do

So I stand up

I look right into it

And I see myself

Like a mirror looking back at me

I see the blood on my hands

I see the bruises on my body

The scars on my face

I see the pain that I feel

I see the sorrow I’ve caused

And I see the joy I’ve made

And the hope I’ve brought

The wall continues to push me back

Back towards the edge

But I don’t care anymore

I let it push me

Because no matter how far it pushes me back

It doesn’t matter

It doesn’t matter because just like that I take out a marker

And I write out the letters that form the words I’ve always wanted to hear

“I forgive you”

The words cause the mirror to crack

But not enough to break

So with one more push

One more punch

I shatter the glass

The pieces scatter all around me

Breaking into thousands of pieces

I look down at each of them

Still seeing my reflection in each of them

Still seeing a part of in them

A part of me that had to be broken

And just like that the broken mirror created a hole

A hole through the wall straight to you

I took the path and came to the center

There I found another mirror

When I thought I would find you

I looked into the mirror

And for the first time

I truly saw myself

Myself as you saw me

I stepped into the mirror

And found myself looking back

At the hole I created

At the wall I forced

At the mirror I broke

No more pounding

No more kicking

No more pushing

No more bleak

No more mirror

No more wall

Because I’m tired of protecting myself from myself

I’m tired of looking into the mirror at myself

I’m ready to just be myself

 

Sorry

Sorry

You once asked me what I want more than anything

The unfortunate part is you can’t give me what I want

What I want is to be done

Done with being sorry

For as long as I can remember I was always the one to apologize

If I hurt someone; apologize

If someone’s feelings were hurt; I should apologize

If someone was going through hard times; I apologize

But no one ever apologized to me

Not when it was sincere

Not when they were the one causing the pain

Not when I was humiliated

Ridiculed

Hated

Beaten

Broken

Harassed

Bullied

Ganged up on

No one ever apologized

That’s what I want

Someone to say that they are truly and sincerely sorry

When I’m broken; don’t worry it’s just him

When I’m hurt; don’t worry he probably deserved it

When I’m depressed; don’t worry, he doesn’t know what depression is

No one ever understood it

It seemed like no one cared

I understand why people get angry

Do things that are rash

All they want is for someone to say sorry

Sorry that they hurt you

But it’s me, so why should anyone care

Moment

Moment

You walk down the street

You pass someone you’ve never seen before

They bump into you

And then you go on with the rest of your day

We meet hundreds of people in our life

We see thousands more

Most of these people we believe are insignificant

But none of them are

Every person we meet

Every person we see or hear

Leaves an impression

Whether we’re aware of it or not

It’s these impressions that make us who we are

They’re the ripples in the stream of our life

And they change us in so many ways

Both for good and bad

But it’s not just the impressions they leave on us

It’s the impressions we leave on them

That make the most difference

In our lives and theirs

You walk down the street

You pass someone you’ve never seen before

They bump into you

And then you go on with the rest of your day

But the smile you give them before you walk on

Makes the person’s whole day

And saves their life

We never really know

How the impressions we leave

Will impact those around us

Sometimes we don’t even know how others impressions on us

Impact us until we’re sitting down to eat

And a small smile forms on our mouth

And we remember the time a stranger smiled at us

If a stranger can have that kind of impression on us

Think about the impression people we know leave behind

Sometimes it’s just one moment that makes all the difference

So make it a good one

Alone

Alone

I remember

I remember drifting through the halls

Surrounded by so many

Surrounded by the memories I help close

I remember always being able to look around me

Seeing so many by my side

And yet now

All of that is just memories

Its easy to remember

It’s easy to live in the past

It’s easy to remember what it was like

Not to be alone

We’re all blind by where we are in the moment

Always looking behind us

Instead of around us

Because of the fear we might be alone

It’s easy to be alone

It’s easy not to care

It’s easy to hide yourself away

From the whole world

It’s easy to tell yourself no one will care

It’s easy to tell yourself you’ll never get hurt

Being alone means no pain, no hurt, no one to let you down

Being alone is easy

But life isn’t easy