First

First

 

You look around the relatively empty café

And the first guy that crosses you vision

You see him smile at you

And you smile back at him

And I’m sitting next to him

Now watching the two of you smile at each other

Even if your gaze combs over mine

There is no smile

I’m not the first

I’m not the first call you make when

You’re having a bad day

I’m not the first person you want to talk to about anything

I’m not the first person you even want to see during the day or night

I’m not even the first born in a family that has firsts

I’m the last

Always the last

With no turn in sight

You may call me over dramatic

And your right

You may think you’re the first one to pity me or feel sorry for me

You’re not

I’ll be the first one to admit that I still have work to do

That I’m still damaged and broken

Still picking up all the pieces

And trying to glue them back together

But no matter how much I put them back together

The longing is still there

The longing to not be last

And to be the first

The first person to enter your thoughts in the morning

The first person to put a smile on your face

To make you laugh every day and feel like the best you

The first person to put you first

Maybe it’s too much to ask for

Maybe my time just hasn’t come

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not done giving up

But the thought still keeps me up at night

If I’ll be the first to be alone in a family of firsts

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Me

Me

Every single day I think about who I am

When I look in the mirror

When I meet someone for the first time

When I’m out on a date

And even when someone makes an off handed remark

That was supposed to be a joke

But it hit a little too close for home

I think about who I am everyday

And I am reminded of who I am everyday

I’m too skinny and need to work out more

I bite my finger nails

I’m too pale

I have acne as an adult

I’m too short

My hair looks weird

I’m too nerdy/geeky

I’m too different

I talk with a lisp

I’m not funny

I’m too serious

I’m too depressing

I’m not smart

I’m not talented

I’m too much of an easy target

I’m too easy to make fun of

I’m too easy not to hate

I’m not good enough for him

I’m not good enough for her

I’m not good enough for them

I’m not good enough for me

Everyday I think about who I am

And even now putting down all of these thoughts on paper

I try to make sense of them all

As to if these are the reasons for some reason

I can’t truly care about someone in a romantic way

All of these thoughts just keep pouring in

The water rising and rising with each passing thought

I try to drain the water or fish it out but I don’t know how

I don’t know how to turn to negative thoughts off

But each and everyone causes another drop to pour into the pool

Until I’m completely submerged and drown

If only I could find a damn to relieve the water

Find the barrier that is keeping me from being better

From being able to truly care about someone

Without worrying about the negativity

Drip

Drip

Drip

The water keeps rising

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Where am I

Where am I

I’ve been trying to write this for the past few days

Trying to find the right words to say

But as always not being able to find the right ones

My mind getting wrapped up with everything around it

For the past couple of days, I’ve been in a sort of daze

Going from being happy, to neutral, to sad

Having a sad thought enter my head

And then finding myself smiling for no reason

I have no idea where I am

My mind races a mile a minute

My hands tremble

I escape to the past

Before I fly to the future

Sometimes in the same second

It feels as if I’m losing control of my environment

The flood waters rising

The waves crashing down all around me

And I don’t know how much longer my walls can last

What happens when they break down

When everything comes rushing in

And my biggest fears come to light

Will I be able to handle it?

I have no idea where I am

I close my eyes just, so I can tell myself that’s the reason why it’s so dark

I cover my ears, so I can tell myself that’s the reason why it’s completely silent

I shut my mouth so that I can tell myself that’s why I can’t speak

So I cry and I scream on the inside

And wait for it all to stop

So that I can find out where I am

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This time

This time

Stop

Pause

Hit the button harder

And maybe it’ll work

Just give me one second

Just one second to catch my breath

I can barely breath through this fog

Through this never ending fog

That wraps itself around my neck

And squeezes as tightly as it can without taking me

Just stop

Why does this always happen

No matter how slow I take each day

No matter how fast I run

The fog catches me

Envelops me

Cases me in a lapse of time

Time

Just stop

Pause

Just one second

Just a single second to think

Just stop

please

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Move

Move

I put one foot in front of the other

I leap forward trying to gain any ground whatsoever

I run as fast as I can

I try to get away from everything I can’t handle

I run and run and run

But it seems I can’t get anywhere

It seems that I can’t move anywhere

I’m moving as fast as I can

Trying to figure out where I’m going

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest

My sweet trickles down my face

I know I’m moving forward

But I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere

The panic of moving backwards

The fear of not going anywhere

The terror of not knowing where I am

Or where I’m going

I don’t know how much longer I can keep on running

I don’t know how far I can go before my legs fall out from under me

Before I fall to the ground

Because what would I do then

How can I keep going

How can I keep going

Give me a sign

That says I’m going somewhere

 

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Praying

Praying

Some of us pray on our knees

Some sing hymns to their lord and savior

While others belt out as loud as they can

And shout to the heavens

To their god or gods

This can take many forms

Some people take it literally

Where they stand outside in the pouring rain

And they scream at the top of their lungs into the heavens

Some shout through a microphone

Hoping that their many fans hear them and see them for who they really are

Only that for some of them they aren’t singing to their fans

Their singing their prayers to their god

For me

My praying takes the form of blue and black

Of ones and zeros

This is where I do my praying

This is where I shout to the heavens

Hoping someone will hear

Whether it be a god or gods

Whether it be the universe itself

Or whether it be someone I know

Or even someone I don’t

We all pray

We all speak our mind

We all have a relationship with God

Whether the relationship is we don’t like Them

We all pray

Sometimes when we need to be heard the most

When your brother is lying in a hospital bed not able to wake up

Or your friend ends their life and you feel lost

This is a time you pray

But also when you need a guiding light

When everything else seems dark

And lost

You pray when you desperately want to help someone

But you don’t know what to say or do

We feel the most vulnerable and weak

When we feel the most hopeless

So that’s why we pray

We pray to gain some kind of hope

So that’s what I’m doing here right now

I’m writing out my prayers

So maybe He will read them

And shine some light

We all pray

We all hope for change

We all do our best to live our lives

The best we can

This is where I pray

This is where I write out my life

This is where I write out my thoughts

This is where I make my bible

The bible I read out everyday

Hoping to gain some kind of knowledge

Of who I really am

This is how I pray

I hope You’re listening

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Target

Target

You’re such an easy target

You’re so easy to make fun of

You need to grow a pair; defend yourself

Something I’ve been told for as long as I can remember

I’ve built up a strong wall around me

I’ve shut the door behind me

And I’ve locked it as tightly as possible

And I’ve coward in the corner

But now I’m done

You say I’m an easy target

You paint it right on my back

As you plunge in the knife over and over

You call me weak

Easy

You say I should grow a pair

Defend myself

Defend my home while you attempt to blow it down

With your words and your insults

With your bullets and knifes

That have caused me to spill blood

That you say makes me an even easier target

Well I’m done

I’m done being your target

I’m done with your emotional punching bag

I’m done being ashamed of the target painted on my back

I’m unlocking the door

I’m tearing down the wall brick by brick

And I’m going to face you for who you really are

Someone who is scared and ashamed of who they are

I’m done being afraid

But I’m not going to fight you

You say I’m an easy target

You say that I’m easy to make fun

To ridicule

To hate

Then so be it

I’m tired of being shot at

I’m tired of putting down the wall around me

Only to be pellet with your insecurities

You call it weakness

While I call it vulnerability

You’ve told me to be ashamed of myself

That I should dislike myself

That I should be different

That I should be like you

I refuse to be like you

If you want to take advantage of my downed wall

To make fun of me

To ridicule me

Then that’s your problem

I’m done with you

You want to tell me I should be ashamed

Of expecting people to be kind and decent

Because you say the world doesn’t work like that

Well fuck you

Because my world is not your world

I’m not going to build my wall anymore

I’m not going to place one single brick down

I like who I am

And if you still want to paint a target on my back

Then so be it

I’ll wear it like a badge

Like a child who’s beaten by their parents for being who they are

Like a mother who only cries when she’s alone in fear of how it might look

You call it weakness but I call it strength

I call it bravery and courage

So if you want to come into my house and tear the place up

Go for it, but you’re not blaming me for doing it

And most importantly

I’m done blaming myself for it

If you have problems get help

Figure them out on your own

I’m sorry you don’t like yourself

But I finally do

Anymore you’d like to say?

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