Connection

Connection

As I sit here across from the table from you

Laughing at your jokes

Smiling into your eyes

Staring at your glorious smile

I wait for the word I know are coming

I don’t feel a connection

You’re too short

Too tall

Too skinny

Not athletic enough

Too old

Too young

Too nerdy

Too geeky

No spark

No connection

No connection

No connection

No connection

I

Just

Don’t

Feel

A

Connection

Every word bouncing back and forth in my head

Echoing against my skull

Pounding me until I’m numb

As I stare into your eyes

Feeling something I desperately want to be there

I know what’s coming

The sad part is

When you hear it so many times

You really begin to wonder

If you’re the problem

As the night winds down

And be begin to depart

I hear your laugh one more time

Before you open your mouth

And say

“I’m sorry, I just don’t feel a connection”

Words

Words

I did it

I finally got up

Now all I have to do is walk out the door in front of me

How hard could it be

I walk towards the regular old wooden door

No defined markings

Paint peeling off

Each step I take I feel the goosebumps creep onto my skin

My heart beating faster and faster

Sweat trickling down my wrists

Tears soaking my face

Whoever thought walking out a door would be this hard

Facing the world on the other side

Taking my place inside it

One step

One step more

One foot in front of another

One step closer

Ten feet away from the door you appeared

Like a shadow sneaking up on me

Forming into the person I fear the most

Standing their in front of me covered in scars

And bullet holes

Covered in words

From head to toe

Covered in the words I’ve feared the most

Yelling back at me

In the very voices that spoke them

Failure

Ugly

Creepy

Stalker

Someone I love to hate

No one will love

Picky

Unlovable

Weird

Easy target

Pathetic

Speech kid

Faggot

Loser

Won’t succeed

The words rang out

Coming at me in waves

As I stood there in front of me

Frozen solid

My shadow took one step closer as the first punch hit its mark

“pathetic” written on the knuckles

Blood spilling from my mouth

As another punch lands

And then another

The shadow striking me down making me feel every blow

Every memory

Every word that was ever said about me

By either myself or others

Watching as I strike myself down

Trying to reach out

To cry for help

Knowing no one was coming

Reliving every memory in my hand

Watching as others took their shots at me

And watching the shots I took at myself

As each shot pieced my skin

Blood pooling all around me

Tears drowning my body

I looked up at the shadow

On my back only inches from the door

So close yet so far away

I reached out to it

Only to have my hand rejected

It placed its hands around my neck

And with each word carved into its skin

It began to choke me

Take the very life I didn’t know what to do with

The life that I was given

The life that was spat on

Kicked and punched

Ridiculed and shunned

I laid there trying to say something

Anything

My last words in this life

A life that was wasted on someone like me

I closed my eyes and accepted what was coming

I could feel my heart finally slowing

My hands relaxing

And my tears drying

I prayed one last time

Despite none of them being answered before

How did it come to this

Why did it come to this

Just then the door beside me opened

No brilliant light or dark tunnel

No gates or river with a dog

Just gray

One final breath

One final gesture

I reached up one last time

Wrapped my hands around the shadow

Feeling every word on my finger tips

Every scar

Every hole

Every blemish

I wrapped my arms around him

And rolled into the doorway

Together

Not knowing what would happen

Life

Or death

Maybe neither

Or maybe I haven’t quite decided yet

Lighting the candles

Lighting the candles

I found myself walking down

The hollowed at halls

Removed of people, emotions, and thoughts

Drowned out by the bear plain white walls

I stepped through the threshold

All the glass lights pressing their rays against my skin

Raising the heat within me

Lighting something in me

I walked past the empty pews

The wood bearings taunting me as my heels clicked with each step

The echoes all around me screaming their stories and tales

Beckoning me ever towards them

I make my way to the front of the alter

Where several bear candles await a spark

Their scent un-smelled

Their heat unbecoming

I pick one up and hold it in my hand

I close my eyes and breath in as best as I can

The echoes around me cease

As their memories rush through me

Filling me up with a heat I can’t muster

With a pain in heart I can’t bear anymore

Tears begin to soak by eyes

Trying to soothe the pain in me

Trying to extinguish the heat

Using my trembling hand, I strike a match

With the very memories I’m holding on to

And with one slight touch

I pass the fire onto the candle in my hand

I cast the memory out of myself

Through the fire I have created

It’s flicker casts a shadow all around me

Enveloping me so that I never forget

The wax drips onto my hand

Reminding me that I can still feel it

Still feel you beside me

Still feel the warmth you have provided me

I place the candle back on the alter

Allowing it’s spark to cast a shadow

On the wall

And through its flame I see you

The shadow you also cast from within me

Tears continue to pour down my face

Still trying to rid me of my pain

I pick up another candle

And light it’s spark

And another

And another

And another

And another

And another

One for each of your shadows

One for each of your memories

One for each of your stories

One for each of your souls

The bells above me ring out

As your voices reach out and lighten my ears

And calm my tears

And lighten the fire within me

Each candle sparked with fire

An ever living being made from two opposites

Anger and passion

Pain and pride

Each match strike with anger

The anger of not being able to hold your hand

Or hear your laugh

Or see your smile

The anger of knowing that what happened

Of remembering everyday

Of wanting to bargain my flame away

So that yours can truly light again

Each of your candles sparked with anger

A part of me striking out and allowing you to breathe life once again

But anger never lasts

It dissipates quickly with each breath taken

But your fire remains

Your candle may have been sparked with anger

But it is fueled by passion

My passion to keep you going

My passion to never forget

To always remember everything you did

To remember the feeling of your hand on mine

The remember your laugh in my ear

The joy your smile brought upon me

The joy you brought to this world

Now that the flames of risen

I turn around

Hearing all the echoes from the hollow pews once again

I close my eyes

And I take the deepest breath I can muster

And with my exhale I banish the echoes

I send them form which they came

And I walk down back through the empty pews

And bac through the hollowed hall filling it with thoughts, and feelings and them once again

I allow the crystal light to lighten me

I allow my anger to create a spark only to be fueled by my passion

Knowing that their light shines again

And it will always shine

Within in me forever

But in corporeal on this day

Every year to show the echoes

That they will always remain

May the light of the flame bring me peace

First

First

 

You look around the relatively empty café

And the first guy that crosses you vision

You see him smile at you

And you smile back at him

And I’m sitting next to him

Now watching the two of you smile at each other

Even if your gaze combs over mine

There is no smile

I’m not the first

I’m not the first call you make when

You’re having a bad day

I’m not the first person you want to talk to about anything

I’m not the first person you even want to see during the day or night

I’m not even the first born in a family that has firsts

I’m the last

Always the last

With no turn in sight

You may call me over dramatic

And your right

You may think you’re the first one to pity me or feel sorry for me

You’re not

I’ll be the first one to admit that I still have work to do

That I’m still damaged and broken

Still picking up all the pieces

And trying to glue them back together

But no matter how much I put them back together

The longing is still there

The longing to not be last

And to be the first

The first person to enter your thoughts in the morning

The first person to put a smile on your face

To make you laugh every day and feel like the best you

The first person to put you first

Maybe it’s too much to ask for

Maybe my time just hasn’t come

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not done giving up

But the thought still keeps me up at night

If I’ll be the first to be alone in a family of firsts

Me

Me

Every single day I think about who I am

When I look in the mirror

When I meet someone for the first time

When I’m out on a date

And even when someone makes an off handed remark

That was supposed to be a joke

But it hit a little too close for home

I think about who I am everyday

And I am reminded of who I am everyday

I’m too skinny and need to work out more

I bite my finger nails

I’m too pale

I have acne as an adult

I’m too short

My hair looks weird

I’m too nerdy/geeky

I’m too different

I talk with a lisp

I’m not funny

I’m too serious

I’m too depressing

I’m not smart

I’m not talented

I’m too much of an easy target

I’m too easy to make fun of

I’m too easy not to hate

I’m not good enough for him

I’m not good enough for her

I’m not good enough for them

I’m not good enough for me

Everyday I think about who I am

And even now putting down all of these thoughts on paper

I try to make sense of them all

As to if these are the reasons for some reason

I can’t truly care about someone in a romantic way

All of these thoughts just keep pouring in

The water rising and rising with each passing thought

I try to drain the water or fish it out but I don’t know how

I don’t know how to turn to negative thoughts off

But each and everyone causes another drop to pour into the pool

Until I’m completely submerged and drown

If only I could find a damn to relieve the water

Find the barrier that is keeping me from being better

From being able to truly care about someone

Without worrying about the negativity

Drip

Drip

Drip

The water keeps rising

Where am I

Where am I

I’ve been trying to write this for the past few days

Trying to find the right words to say

But as always not being able to find the right ones

My mind getting wrapped up with everything around it

For the past couple of days, I’ve been in a sort of daze

Going from being happy, to neutral, to sad

Having a sad thought enter my head

And then finding myself smiling for no reason

I have no idea where I am

My mind races a mile a minute

My hands tremble

I escape to the past

Before I fly to the future

Sometimes in the same second

It feels as if I’m losing control of my environment

The flood waters rising

The waves crashing down all around me

And I don’t know how much longer my walls can last

What happens when they break down

When everything comes rushing in

And my biggest fears come to light

Will I be able to handle it?

I have no idea where I am

I close my eyes just, so I can tell myself that’s the reason why it’s so dark

I cover my ears, so I can tell myself that’s the reason why it’s completely silent

I shut my mouth so that I can tell myself that’s why I can’t speak

So I cry and I scream on the inside

And wait for it all to stop

So that I can find out where I am

This time

This time

Stop

Pause

Hit the button harder

And maybe it’ll work

Just give me one second

Just one second to catch my breath

I can barely breath through this fog

Through this never ending fog

That wraps itself around my neck

And squeezes as tightly as it can without taking me

Just stop

Why does this always happen

No matter how slow I take each day

No matter how fast I run

The fog catches me

Envelops me

Cases me in a lapse of time

Time

Just stop

Pause

Just one second

Just a single second to think

Just stop

please

Move

Move

I put one foot in front of the other

I leap forward trying to gain any ground whatsoever

I run as fast as I can

I try to get away from everything I can’t handle

I run and run and run

But it seems I can’t get anywhere

It seems that I can’t move anywhere

I’m moving as fast as I can

Trying to figure out where I’m going

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest

My sweet trickles down my face

I know I’m moving forward

But I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere

The panic of moving backwards

The fear of not going anywhere

The terror of not knowing where I am

Or where I’m going

I don’t know how much longer I can keep on running

I don’t know how far I can go before my legs fall out from under me

Before I fall to the ground

Because what would I do then

How can I keep going

How can I keep going

Give me a sign

That says I’m going somewhere

 

Praying

Praying

Some of us pray on our knees

Some sing hymns to their lord and savior

While others belt out as loud as they can

And shout to the heavens

To their god or gods

This can take many forms

Some people take it literally

Where they stand outside in the pouring rain

And they scream at the top of their lungs into the heavens

Some shout through a microphone

Hoping that their many fans hear them and see them for who they really are

Only that for some of them they aren’t singing to their fans

Their singing their prayers to their god

For me

My praying takes the form of blue and black

Of ones and zeros

This is where I do my praying

This is where I shout to the heavens

Hoping someone will hear

Whether it be a god or gods

Whether it be the universe itself

Or whether it be someone I know

Or even someone I don’t

We all pray

We all speak our mind

We all have a relationship with God

Whether the relationship is we don’t like Them

We all pray

Sometimes when we need to be heard the most

When your brother is lying in a hospital bed not able to wake up

Or your friend ends their life and you feel lost

This is a time you pray

But also when you need a guiding light

When everything else seems dark

And lost

You pray when you desperately want to help someone

But you don’t know what to say or do

We feel the most vulnerable and weak

When we feel the most hopeless

So that’s why we pray

We pray to gain some kind of hope

So that’s what I’m doing here right now

I’m writing out my prayers

So maybe He will read them

And shine some light

We all pray

We all hope for change

We all do our best to live our lives

The best we can

This is where I pray

This is where I write out my life

This is where I write out my thoughts

This is where I make my bible

The bible I read out everyday

Hoping to gain some kind of knowledge

Of who I really am

This is how I pray

I hope You’re listening

Target

Target

You’re such an easy target

You’re so easy to make fun of

You need to grow a pair; defend yourself

Something I’ve been told for as long as I can remember

I’ve built up a strong wall around me

I’ve shut the door behind me

And I’ve locked it as tightly as possible

And I’ve coward in the corner

But now I’m done

You say I’m an easy target

You paint it right on my back

As you plunge in the knife over and over

You call me weak

Easy

You say I should grow a pair

Defend myself

Defend my home while you attempt to blow it down

With your words and your insults

With your bullets and knifes

That have caused me to spill blood

That you say makes me an even easier target

Well I’m done

I’m done being your target

I’m done with your emotional punching bag

I’m done being ashamed of the target painted on my back

I’m unlocking the door

I’m tearing down the wall brick by brick

And I’m going to face you for who you really are

Someone who is scared and ashamed of who they are

I’m done being afraid

But I’m not going to fight you

You say I’m an easy target

You say that I’m easy to make fun

To ridicule

To hate

Then so be it

I’m tired of being shot at

I’m tired of putting down the wall around me

Only to be pellet with your insecurities

You call it weakness

While I call it vulnerability

You’ve told me to be ashamed of myself

That I should dislike myself

That I should be different

That I should be like you

I refuse to be like you

If you want to take advantage of my downed wall

To make fun of me

To ridicule me

Then that’s your problem

I’m done with you

You want to tell me I should be ashamed

Of expecting people to be kind and decent

Because you say the world doesn’t work like that

Well fuck you

Because my world is not your world

I’m not going to build my wall anymore

I’m not going to place one single brick down

I like who I am

And if you still want to paint a target on my back

Then so be it

I’ll wear it like a badge

Like a child who’s beaten by their parents for being who they are

Like a mother who only cries when she’s alone in fear of how it might look

You call it weakness but I call it strength

I call it bravery and courage

So if you want to come into my house and tear the place up

Go for it, but you’re not blaming me for doing it

And most importantly

I’m done blaming myself for it

If you have problems get help

Figure them out on your own

I’m sorry you don’t like yourself

But I finally do

Anymore you’d like to say?