This time

This time

Stop

Pause

Hit the button harder

And maybe it’ll work

Just give me one second

Just one second to catch my breath

I can barely breath through this fog

Through this never ending fog

That wraps itself around my neck

And squeezes as tightly as it can without taking me

Just stop

Why does this always happen

No matter how slow I take each day

No matter how fast I run

The fog catches me

Envelops me

Cases me in a lapse of time

Time

Just stop

Pause

Just one second

Just a single second to think

Just stop

please

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Move

Move

I put one foot in front of the other

I leap forward trying to gain any ground whatsoever

I run as fast as I can

I try to get away from everything I can’t handle

I run and run and run

But it seems I can’t get anywhere

It seems that I can’t move anywhere

I’m moving as fast as I can

Trying to figure out where I’m going

I can feel my heart pounding in my chest

My sweet trickles down my face

I know I’m moving forward

But I don’t feel like I’m going anywhere

The panic of moving backwards

The fear of not going anywhere

The terror of not knowing where I am

Or where I’m going

I don’t know how much longer I can keep on running

I don’t know how far I can go before my legs fall out from under me

Before I fall to the ground

Because what would I do then

How can I keep going

How can I keep going

Give me a sign

That says I’m going somewhere

 

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Praying

Praying

Some of us pray on our knees

Some sing hymns to their lord and savior

While others belt out as loud as they can

And shout to the heavens

To their god or gods

This can take many forms

Some people take it literally

Where they stand outside in the pouring rain

And they scream at the top of their lungs into the heavens

Some shout through a microphone

Hoping that their many fans hear them and see them for who they really are

Only that for some of them they aren’t singing to their fans

Their singing their prayers to their god

For me

My praying takes the form of blue and black

Of ones and zeros

This is where I do my praying

This is where I shout to the heavens

Hoping someone will hear

Whether it be a god or gods

Whether it be the universe itself

Or whether it be someone I know

Or even someone I don’t

We all pray

We all speak our mind

We all have a relationship with God

Whether the relationship is we don’t like Them

We all pray

Sometimes when we need to be heard the most

When your brother is lying in a hospital bed not able to wake up

Or your friend ends their life and you feel lost

This is a time you pray

But also when you need a guiding light

When everything else seems dark

And lost

You pray when you desperately want to help someone

But you don’t know what to say or do

We feel the most vulnerable and weak

When we feel the most hopeless

So that’s why we pray

We pray to gain some kind of hope

So that’s what I’m doing here right now

I’m writing out my prayers

So maybe He will read them

And shine some light

We all pray

We all hope for change

We all do our best to live our lives

The best we can

This is where I pray

This is where I write out my life

This is where I write out my thoughts

This is where I make my bible

The bible I read out everyday

Hoping to gain some kind of knowledge

Of who I really am

This is how I pray

I hope You’re listening

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Target

Target

You’re such an easy target

You’re so easy to make fun of

You need to grow a pair; defend yourself

Something I’ve been told for as long as I can remember

I’ve built up a strong wall around me

I’ve shut the door behind me

And I’ve locked it as tightly as possible

And I’ve coward in the corner

But now I’m done

You say I’m an easy target

You paint it right on my back

As you plunge in the knife over and over

You call me weak

Easy

You say I should grow a pair

Defend myself

Defend my home while you attempt to blow it down

With your words and your insults

With your bullets and knifes

That have caused me to spill blood

That you say makes me an even easier target

Well I’m done

I’m done being your target

I’m done with your emotional punching bag

I’m done being ashamed of the target painted on my back

I’m unlocking the door

I’m tearing down the wall brick by brick

And I’m going to face you for who you really are

Someone who is scared and ashamed of who they are

I’m done being afraid

But I’m not going to fight you

You say I’m an easy target

You say that I’m easy to make fun

To ridicule

To hate

Then so be it

I’m tired of being shot at

I’m tired of putting down the wall around me

Only to be pellet with your insecurities

You call it weakness

While I call it vulnerability

You’ve told me to be ashamed of myself

That I should dislike myself

That I should be different

That I should be like you

I refuse to be like you

If you want to take advantage of my downed wall

To make fun of me

To ridicule me

Then that’s your problem

I’m done with you

You want to tell me I should be ashamed

Of expecting people to be kind and decent

Because you say the world doesn’t work like that

Well fuck you

Because my world is not your world

I’m not going to build my wall anymore

I’m not going to place one single brick down

I like who I am

And if you still want to paint a target on my back

Then so be it

I’ll wear it like a badge

Like a child who’s beaten by their parents for being who they are

Like a mother who only cries when she’s alone in fear of how it might look

You call it weakness but I call it strength

I call it bravery and courage

So if you want to come into my house and tear the place up

Go for it, but you’re not blaming me for doing it

And most importantly

I’m done blaming myself for it

If you have problems get help

Figure them out on your own

I’m sorry you don’t like yourself

But I finally do

Anymore you’d like to say?

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Knock Knock

Knock knock

Knock knock

I hear the sound of your knuckles cracking against the door

I look out the window of my tiny little home

I see you standing there wondering where I am

I walk slowly to the door

I take a deep breath wondering what I should do

My hand moves over the cracks and splinters that fill the door

The warn out wood given way to my gentle touch

A splinter pricks my finger staining the door ever more

My hand reaches for the first lock on the door

My pulse begins to jump through my body

From my lungs to my legs to my stomach to my heart

The thought of it happening again fills my mind

Not knowing how much more this door could take

Not knowing how fragile my tiny house is

Not knowing if the walls around me can hold it up much more

Not knowing if I should let you in like the others

Despite the past telling me so

And hope for a better future pushing me forward

I move my hand to the lock

Click, click, click go the locks

The door squeaks open

The sound echoing through my ears

I see you standing there smiling at me

I put on the best smile I can possibly fake

And I let you inside

Once inside you take a good look around

You see the stains on the floor

The mess on the furniture

The bleakness on the walls

And despite all of that

Your smile still remains

Your laugh fills the halls

Your presence lightens the place up

I begin to wonder how this all happened

An unexpected surprise

That turns my fake smile

Into a beaming and bright one

You fill the space like no one has before

Your presence changes the demeanor

Changes the way the walls look

And the way the floor shines

You look around and you see all the luggage sitting around

All the baggage that’s been packed

That clutters the space

And you continue to smile

Before I know it

The luggage seems to disappear a little

The baggage seems less heavy

Less daunting

All of the sudden

Something new appears in the house

A small red button

That reads “Start over” shows itself

I walk over to it

Not knowing what to do

Never seeing it before

As you walk over with me

You place your hand on the button and ask for mine

Without even hesitating I give you my hand

And together our hands clasp over the button

And push

In an instant the house I’ve lived in for so long is gone

No more stains

No more splinters

No more cracks

Instead I see an open field

Feel the warm sun shunning on my face

The wet grass beneath my feet

And taste the fresh air in my lungs

I pick up a shovel and place it in the ground

It’s time to build a new home

One I can be proud of

And maybe you along with all the others who’ve knocked before

Can help build a better home

For a better me

 

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A choice

A choice

I find myself standing in a room

No doors

No windows

No way out

The only thing in the room is a small circular table

With a small box resting in the middle

When I open the box I find a gun inside

And a note with my name on it

I read the note

The first line reading

“You have a choice”

I open the gun to find only a single bullet inside

Now I hear footsteps coming from all edges of the room

Several people walk up to the table

Standing on all sides of it

I look at them all only to be looking in mirrors

For all I see is myself

“Each one represents yourself”

The notes reads on

“One represents the joy in hold in your heart”

“One represents the fear, the anger, pain, sorrow, sadness, hope, and more”

I look around at each me standing around the table

Not able to tell which one is which

“All are apart of you, all are with you, but you must choose”

“For one is a demon inside you causing your distress”

“You cannot leave until you make a choice”

“Which one will you shoot”

“Which one will you choice not to exist”

“All you have to do is make a choice”

I stood there with the gun in my hand

Staring in the eyes of all of me around myself

Watching them stare right back at me

Waiting for me to make a choice

The gun felt cold and hot in my hand

My hand shook as the gun felt heavier and heavier

I looked down and felt the blood the gun had spilt cover my hand

And drip onto the floor

The floor now covered in bullet shells

Too many to count

Each printed with a word in blood

In my own blood

As I looked down at the floor

I could see more and more bullets fill the space around me

Each coming out of me

Forcing itself out so I felt every inch

I was covered in blood as I continued to stare down at the gun

Staring at all the other mes around me riddled with bullet holes just like me

For each one of them is apart of

And then I realized I’ve seen this room before

I’ve been here before

I had only just forgotten

But here I stand once again

Ready to shoot myself

Ready to place another bullet in me

Ready to allow another one to pierce me

That’s why it didn’t matter which one I shot

Which one died

Because they had all died before

Many times

That’s how I thought it had to be done

To separate myself from myself

To take a bullet one by one

To ease the overall blow

But that’s not how this works

That’s not how I feel anymore

I’m tired of being shot

I’m tired of being covered in my own blood

I’m tired of allowing myself to be shot at

I’m tired of allowing myself to be shot out of the gun

This time things are going to be different

I’m going to get through it

And if I have to fire the gun in order to get out of this hell

Then so be it

I steady my hand

More steady then it’s ever been

I take great aim

And pour every once of hope and courage I have left

And I pull the trigger

The only light in the room

The light I thought was my remaining hope

Was shot out

Into a million different pieces

And there become nothing but darkness

But at least I was separated from myself anymore

I was myself again

I was whole

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9 years

9 years

They say life can change in an instant

Or it can change through a series of events

Sometimes unknown to us

And unknown just how big the impact will be

I don’t know what it’s actually like to be in combat

For I was never a real soldier

And I would never even begin to imagen

What combat is really like

But I imagen that it’s something close to what I went through

For nine long years

Without even knowing it or realizing what was happening

Or who it truly impacted my for the rest of my life

This is my story

I spent nine years going through the motions

Trying to discover who I really was

I’m not sure when it really started

Or really ended

But I know when the worst of it happened

Having words shot at me like bullets from a gun

Damaging every inch of my body

Beating me down

Until there was nothing left

Feeling weak and helpless

Pathetic and naïve

Worthless and angry

Sad and in pain

Being told everyday that nothing I did really mattered

That no matter what I did there will always be someone better

Not being able to achieve my full potential

Because there was always someone there to knock it down

Being ridiculed everyday for who I was or who I wasn’t

Having people play with my emotions and my morals

Like they were chew toys to a dog

Looking for support at ever angle and at every corner

Seeing friends walk on by giving their hands only to take them back at the last second

Being told that the only reason I was around

Was to be the punch of every joke

To make everyone else feel better about themselves

To give them someone to hate

I would hear them say everyday

“You’re so easy to hate, that’s why we love you”

Love so frivolous a concept

Not knowing what it really means

Not knowing if I’ve ever actually felt it before in my life

Not knowing what it looks like or smells like or even tastes like

As bullets keep coming and coming knocking me down

I’m too naïve to realize it’s all “friendly” fire

Coming at me in all directions

I bury my head in the sand

Not knowing what to do

I try to stand up for myself

I try to fight back

But everytime I tried

Everytime I stood

I got shot right back down

Told I was the bully

Told I was the one with the gun

Told I was the outcast

I cried myself to sleep just about every night for nine years

The ones I looked at as friends were the ones firing the shots

But I was too naïve at the time to realize it

The ones I looked to for guidance and support

Pretended it wasn’t happening

Told me to focus on my grades

Focus on something else

Become a better person

How can I become a better person

 When I’m told everyday I’m not one

I was foolish enough once to not believe the words

To not believe that the reason I felt the way I did

Was because of the bullets I picked out of my bleeding and chard skin everyday

I can’t say when I finally gave in

Maybe that’s when the hundred foot wall around me shot up out of the ground

Surrounding me in darkness

Not able to see the sky or the sun

Not even the stars could shine bright within the walls

I was surrounded by my own wall

Cowering in the corner

All alone

Wondering how I got here

Finally I did the only thing I could do

I picked up my wall brick by brick

And I ran

I ran as fast as I could and as far away as I could

Leaving everything else behind

Wondering if they would even notice

It’s been six years since that happened

Six years trying to put back together the broken pieces of myself laying on the ground

Six years trying to figure out who I was and who I wanted to be

And after six long years

I still don’t have a clue

All the pieces look the same

Yet each one is a different shape

Unable to be put back together again

And each time I find two the connect

The memory of those nine years sends another bullet at me

Shatter the two pieces into hundreds more

Everyday I wonder what I did wrong

Everyday I wonder what I could have done differently

Everyday I wonder what else could have been said

Everyday I wonder whether or not I’m alive or not

Everyday I wonder if the bullets really did kill me

And not I’m just a shadow in the sun

Passing by as everyone else lives their lives

It’s taken me six long years to put a name to the abuse

To put a name to the bullets

To all the verbal and emotional abuse

To all the broken pieces

And to all the broken memories

I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Something that never even occurred to

Something I never thought I could have

But now that I have a name to it

I finally feel like I can start to put the pieces back tighter again

But the thoughts are still there

The memories ingrained deep within me

Are there too many pieces to fix

Am I too broken to be fixed

How do I even start to stick the pieces back together

When the bullets from the past keep coming back

How am I able to trust myself again

How am I able to trust those around me

How am I to trust that I can actually love

Not just myself but other people

When the very word was stripped from me

How am I able to walk on with nine years of burden

With nine years of baggage weighing me down

Nine years of war

Nine years of constant battles

Nine years of watching allies fall

Wondering if one of the bullets

I’m still pulling out

Will be the one that finishes it

It’s been six long years

I know I’m on the right path to putting it all back together

Or at least I have faith that I am

I know the path is long

With no end in sight

The path going back and forth

Covered with demons and monsters to fight

And I’m not sure I’ll be able to get through it all

But no matter how long it is

No matter how hard the path is

No matter how many bullets come flying

No matter how many times I have to pick myself up

I’ve decided with every part of me

That I’m not going without a fight

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